Thoughts
by journie19
Summary: She didn't want to kill him. He didn't want to kill her. They both knew it. Neither of them knew why. Rey's (and a little of Kylo Ren's) thoughts towards each other during The Force Awakens.
**AN: Title says it all. Hope you enjoy. (Set when Rey is trapped on the First Order ship, after she first met Kylo Ren after running out of Maz's bar). Also, I realize this is different from the movie version of what happened, but I really hate word-for-word retellings, so just think of this as my version of what's going through Rey's and Ren's minds as they encounter each other for the first time.**

…

Rey jumped awake to the touch of the cool metal restraints pressing against her wrists and ankles. She didn't like the restraints. They made her feel trapped, claustrophobic.

Panic started to rise in her chest, but she shoved it down, forcing herself to stay calm, stay alert.

The last thing she remembered was fear, paralyzing fear, as she faced _him_ , the Master of the Knights of Ren in the forest. She couldn't get that frozen feeling out of her body, the one that had overtaken her when he had rooted her to the spot with the Force.

 _The Force._ Maz's advice echoed in Rey's mind. " _Close your eyes. Feel it."_

The only thing Rey felt when she closed her eyes was the strange, overwhelming pull that Luke Skywalker's lightsaber had towards her. And the heat from _his_ rough, flaming red crossguard lightsaber held so close to her cheek.

But there was truth to Maz's advice, and Rey knew it. She slowed her breathing, feeling a bit silly, but repeating Maz's words in her head all the same. " _Feel it."_

Rey wasn't sure if what she was feeling was the force, but she felt something. Something… _red_.

Her cell door slid open with a hiss and in _he_ walked, caped and masked, moving with a grace that didn't match the rough distortion of his voice.

Rey felt a strange tingling in her mind. _Him_.

 _"It surrounds us. Feel it."_ Maz's voice echoed faintly in her head.

The tingling in her mind grew stronger.

"Where are they?" she asked, staring at the marred metal of his mask.

He answered her in that distorted voice. The tingling in her mind turned into a steady ache.

He was _probing_ her.

Rey blinked, replying to his words about her friends in a tone that gave away her frustration. She narrowed her eyes, trying to… _grab ahold_ of the Force to fend off his mental attack.

He slid his hands up and took off the mask with a faint _hiss_ , revealing a young, pale face with dark eyes and black hair underneath. Rey looked at him for a split second, not meeting his eyes. He was strangely… _beautiful_. He set the mask down into a pile of something – _ashes?—_ and looked intently at her.

 _Kylo Ren_. That was his name, though Rey wasn't quite sure how she came to know it. It just _slid_ into her mind as she attempted to use the Force against him. _It was working. How?_

Kylo Ren spoke to Rey in a smooth voice, one that fit the fluidity with which he moved, and the conflicted, reddish aura that seemed to surround him. His words were clipped, like he was trying to hold something ( _himself?_ ) back. She felt curiosity about her radiating from him, and something else. _Jealousy_.

 _Jealous of what?_

When Rey wouldn't give up any information about BB-8 other than his basic droid specifications, Ren held out his hand towards her, and all of a sudden the ache in her mind returned with vigor, breaking through the small Force-wall Rey had tried to surround herself with.

Red fog seemed to invade her, delving into her darkest thoughts, her deepest secrets. It didn't conjure up a vision like Luke's lightsaber did; no, this was far worse. This was a deep, intimate _knowledge_ of her that Rey had not willingly shared.

"So lonely," Ren said in his smooth, confident voice. "At night, desperate to sleep."

Cool, salty tears smarted in Rey's eyes as Ren hit upon the subject of Han Solo.

"He would've disappointed you."

"No," she whispered, feeling more trapped than ever. She hated the restraints.

" _Feel it_."

She took a deep, shuddering breath. _The Force_. Rey let it surround her, a strange, warm, whitish-blue aura that began to mix and overpower with Ren's foggy red mist. He continued pressing her about BB-8, but Rey didn't listen,

"Don't be afraid," Kylo said, reaching towards her. "I feel it too."

Rey strained, and the red fog _broke_ , the pressure from her white-blue mist overpowering it.

 _Fear. A pull towards the light. Grandfather. Vader. Father. Han Solo. Rey. Snoke. Dark. Light. Fear. Fear. Fear. Strength. Fear._

Rey realized she was inside _his_ head, and spoke aloud what she saw.

Kylo Ren's face contorted in anger as Rey pulled out of his mind, shutting the last remaining vestiges of him out of her head with a final exhale. He snatched up the mask, his cape snapping out behind him as he marched angrily out the door, a stormtrooper barely managing to slide into the room before getting smashed by the door.

Rey set her head back against the metal chair, sweat rolling down her forehead, her chest heaving like she'd run across the deserts of Jakku. She could still feel his anger in the white-blue mist that now seemed to surround her, though Ren's presence was faint and nowhere near as strong as it had been when he had been standing over her.

 _What was that?_

 _Who was he?_

The questions swirled in her mind, the most important of which being, " _how do I get out of here?"_

The answer came to her in the form of a memory; one that Rey wasn't quite sure belonged to her, but was rather _handed_ to her by the Force.

An old, strangely powerful and serene man on a desert planet. A young, light-headed boy that Rey somehow knew was Luke Skywalker. A blue and white R2-unit and a gold maintenance droid. A stormtrooper very much like the one guarding Rey.

" _These are not the droids you are looking for."_ A wave of the old man's hand, a powerful movement in the Force, and the droid responded in a dry monotone.

" _These are not the droids we are looking for_."

Rey decided to try it.

The mind trick took a few tries, but eventually Rey was able to manipulate the stormtrooper into letting her go.

Rey grinned. Kylo Ren was going to be furious.

…

Rey felt him before she saw him; she knew he was close before Han stepped onto the catwalk to meet him. She felt the immense conflict that surrounded him, felt the pull to the light that was emanating primarily from his father, and the strong vines of the dark that had invaded his mind over the years.

Rey knew what he was going to do before he did it, and she was powerless to stop him.

He killed the only father figure she had, _his own father_ , to grow stronger. To cut himself off from that insistent pull towards the light.

But Rey could see Kylo Ren from her bird's eye view of the catwalk, and she felt, she _knew_ that Han Solo wasn't the only person pulling him towards the light.

 _She was too_. Her face danced in his head, her raw, untrained strength in the Force confused him, entranced him.

 _He hated her, but he was drawn to her._

 _She hated him, but she was drawn to him_.

…

Rey was glad for the planet's collapse. Their duel had exhausted her, though she knew that _somehow_ , she was winning.

She had given Kylo Ren a gash across the face and a shoulder wound to accompany the blaster shot in his side delivered by Chewbacca.

 _She didn't want to kill him._

 _He didn't want to kill her._

 _They both knew it._

 _Neither of them knew why._

…

 **AN: Uhhh. I know this is weird, guys. Believe me. I know this is hard to understand. But I just got to thinking and then I got to typing and then this happened and here we are.**

 **I want to write more with these characters, but I'm not quite sure how. I don't like writing "my own version" of Episode VII because I like to leave that to the script-writers and directors. But I** _ **do**_ **like playing around with the characters, so…any suggestions? One-shots, maybe? HMU in the reviews if you have any ideas!**

 **I'd really love to hear your feedback on this (sorry if it sucks; I just had to write it, you know?), so if you made it to the end, thanks for reading and please review!**


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